questions questions questions….
Im deliberating….again….
Should i continue in a house i cant really cope with or go into more supportive extra care housing…..
Or is it that i am just not coping at present…….
Breath in, breath out…..one at a time…..and release….
I can hear the laughter of children playing in the school playground, just down the hill from me…..Its a really lovely and evocative sound…..makes me feel nostalgic for a simpler (or seemingly) time, first back to when i was a child, full of energy and play and happy to be away from the confines of the classroom and run around free in the playground…..secondly, when my children were young and were in school and enjoying the spontaneity of playing…..
Now they just seem to be a constant source of worry…..although as kids they were a worry too but there seemed to be space for play…..now there seems only worry, but maybe thats me……
Life is generally very tough….ongoing….Even the simple things, like having a bath….tough.
So, its extra extra tough rite now…..
Lisa died, a year ago this month….actually she took her own life, under a train….28th July 2017…..So so heartbreaking.
So iv decided to revisit my blog….as im not coping very well at all athe moment.
I wanted to have a respite break, instead of a breakdown…..but the place i go to usually isn’t available to me as the lift has been decommissioned and so im stuck….stuck in my head and heart and fear im reaching the end of it all……
My son, whose girlfriend Lisa was, isn’t coping very well either and he is finding it impossible to get the support he needs….just gets offered more medication….Is that the answer, i dont think so….but its all he gets.
Life huh, its impossible sometimes….i remind myself to place one foot in front of the other and keep breathing, in and out, in and out…..even though right now, i want to do the opposite of that and just let go…..
I was listening to a Buddhist talk this morning…..a wonderful talk….
A story being told in this talk was at the time of the Iraq war when American soldiers were there and the Iraqi civilians had suffered so much and were completely traumatised by the hostilities.
The mosques were being targeted by so say rebel armies and the American soldiers had been called to protect the people at the mosques….
A small unit had been deployed to this one particular mosque and was on its way there when local Iraq civilians heard and saw the armed soldiers moving towards their sacred temples…… and thought they were going to desecrate their holy place……! In their outrage, poured towards the unit ‘en masse’ with fists raised and in anger…..What happened next was due to one soldiers mindfulness….
The soldier in charge of the unit raised his rifle in the air…..with the barrel pointed down to his feet and the ground…….and ordered his men to kneel and bow their heads with their rifles likewise………..The men under his command thought their commander had lost his mind, but followed orders……..
The angry mob calmed and an absolute bloodshed was averted…..due to the actions of one man…..
The Iraqi people calmed and withdrew their anger, due to the soldier leading the unit’s act of mindful respect in a very ’emotionally charged’ situation….!
I have heard this story before and it has brought me to tears before and did so again today….
Jack Kornfield, during this talk (…..very wise speakers, (in my opinion). In this particular talk, Ram Dass….(whom I love) Trudy Goodman, (whom I have only just discovered after all my years of listening to Buddhist talks…and what a wonderfully wise and compassionate teacher she is….(my feelings….) and speaks from her heart)……The talk is called Cultivating Grace and Transforming Suffering, on you YouTube …..
It makes me think of how our reactions can cause so much…..either chaos or the opposite, in this case….and to learn to be still when feeling reactive to something is to bring grace and love to a situation rather than the opposite which is so often our ‘so say’ natural reaction…..due really to the ‘negativity bias’ that we have, inherently, within ourselves….(for survival of the species)….so, to practice a non aggressive reactivity is key but for a soldier to operate from that stance……absolutely amazing and shows such courage by one man…and averted absolute bloodshed on this one occasion….
Suz I woo…
On a more personal level, I had a really bad reaction to my sister in law back in the summer and since then, she will not speak to me, which has caused so much pain and anger and all sorts really…..and also to my brother and I believe to my sister in law, although its hard to tell as she will not speak……….but the bottom line is, I hurt her, needlessly…..through my own insecurities…..
There were mitigating circumstances at the time (a little defence of myself there, as is needed as im so ready to beat myself up)….I did fully take responsibility for what I said and apologised but my sister in law cannot to this point (3 months later) forgive me….(her stuff)…
I came across a porcelain figurine the other day, (which she loves) and it just said Suzie, and so I bought the pretty little doll and will wrap her and send it to my sister in law and hope that will speak to her as I have been unable and for her to know that I love her and that im sorry…… and then to let go of all the feelings surrounding this and know I have now done my best to say the unsayable and to try to resolve the unresolvable…..I hope…… !!!
Millions
Today is another day that so far I have wasted so many minutes and seconds worrying about things that may or may not happen. They probably will because it seems my life is this way…..
Arguing with my so say best friend seems to be the favourite waste of precious energy and breeds ……nothing.
Stressing over things that may or may not happen are up there in that ‘nothing’ list of wasted time and energy……
I awoke in the small hours and was awake for hours worrying and trying to work out this or that and for what….nothing….
I have to let go of this meaningless and needless need to plan, control and work out strategies…..as it serves ‘nothing’.
….and it wastes millions of precious seconds of time that could of been used in enhancing the world I participate in and one thing in particular…..
…… Love !
I dreamt I was in a house with my good friend…..I was upstairs and he was downstairs…..A friend of his turned up and he began to drink alcohol with him…..and they were laughing together…. Then other people started turning up at the house, unbeknownst to me…..and a party started happening….My friend had organised it…. These were people I had never heard of or seen before but they were all friends of my good friend and he was happy and kissing and hugging everyone as they came in.
Someone arrived with food and a cooker, a professional and food started to be cooked, my friend was so happy and laughing and joking and being really sociable with everyone…. At one point my daughter arrived and she hopped on the bed with my friend…..they were cosily chatting to each other and laughing…..I got upset but I was ignored….there were other people on this bed with them, there wasn’t anything untoward going on with My daughter and My friend, it was just fun….but I felt upset… Another thing that happened was a lady came in who was very familiar to myfriend and they started kissing…..in a lovers kind of way and I did get upset at that and said something and my friend just said…..it doesn’t mean anything, she and I have known each other for years and its what we always do when we are with each other…..
I left but the fun went on before I left….my friend was having a great time as were his friends and I couldn’t join in because I was ill and my friend hadn’t told me anything about the party happening anyway.
The next day When I spoke to my friend, all he said was that my daughter got home ok, the people who came to do the catering dropped her off…so alls well there……..
and I woke up….
My feelings when I woke were of insecuirity and wanting to talk to someone to explore the dream as felt it meant a huge amount.
I know my friend and I haven’t seen each other this week, we have spoken on the phone every day and he has sounded very happy without me and I did ask him because he sounded so happy and he said yes he was happy and I asked why and he said I suppose its because I am free wheeling and doing exactly what I want to do….(which made me feel sad that he was far happier without me)
My friend isn’t a party person….he is awkward in social settings, he wouldnt choose to go and certainly wouldn’t instigate a party….but he is very clumsy with folk, me especially…..he puts his foot in it by being brutally honest and tactless and this is why I’m exploring the Autism angle….as I know my friend to be a good person but he hurt s me frequently with his way of being and I need to protect myself……
I have recently discovered, again, that my lover, friend and partner in all things is on the Autistic spectrum…..
He and I have talked about this before but he dismissed it, but again it is there, staring me in the face…..it explains everything….how he is..
And so for me, I have to come to terms with this revelation….alone too as he will not take it on board……
All I want to do is understand, not to judge or blame, but understand…..if that makes sense.
The closer we became, the more he became the other ‘him’, the man who doesn’t appear to care for me……
He would leave me without his help or support or care and not show me love (im a poorly person) but absorb himself in his books, or working….anything really other than feelings….and the stress when he found something he couldn’t do, workwise or he couldn’t find. was completely excessive…..moody, frustrated, lashing out….(yes, it is frightening too)…becoming easily angered and stressed….but mostly absent in his own head and stressed, distressed and angry and taking it out on me, only in the sense that he expressed his frustration and anger at me…….and its hard being around all that stress,( particularly when I have my own problems and try very hard not to take my crap out on him by keeping myself ok)…..its everyone elses problem, fault etc etc…to him…. I couldn’t get close to him, he just wanted to rant about whatever had got him so stressed and couldn’t drop it, whatever I tried to say to help……he would stay completely focused on it until he found some resolve for himself… the longest period was 10 days over a video he couldn’t get to work……and all of this upset me greatly and I would try to talk to him to say how it was….but that just made things worse, for me anyway as then I was stuck in my feelings, overwhelmed, without him and not understanding and distressed and he would withdraw more…..
Then it came to me on Monday, again…..
Autism…..or rather Aspergers, because its a spectrum and he is a high functioning Aspie….apparently……
……..and so began my exploration into it all again and I did online tests for myself and then on behalf of him…..and low and behold….there he is….a very high score indeed……..
What I just thought were oddities in how he was, turn out to be autistic traits….. Its to do with how the brain is wired…….not something to be fixed, just worked with and understood…………He is that way because of his brain wiring, not because he lacks, care, empathy or love, its how he manages himself, his life, because of how is brain is wired…….hes adapted……. its how reality really is, to him…… He has learned to manage life, but close relationships have always been a mine field to him…..(he is 72) and I know he will never be any different to how he is now, no matter how much we talk about it and I try to get him to understand how his behaviour hurts me…and we have talked at length, believe me…….Its as it is….
He ‘can’ never accept that there is something amiss with him, that he is at all Autistic….that would make him ‘wrong’ in his mind…..so, what to do……I have no idea, im just writing it here to lessen the load in my mind.
People high on the spectrum just do not have the ability to think as neuro typicals do (the technical term, for so say normal folk)….and that sounds harsh I know, but this is all new to me and I am expressing my thoughts on here……..
Ive been involved with him for 5 years and its been so very very difficult….and I, a lot of the time believed all our problems to be me, but not so now…..but its not about blame, but understanding….that’s all ive ever wanted to do, to understand how he can be so uncaring and unloving one minute then when he gets how he is behaving, he is the most wonderful giving and loving man in the world……..which is who he was when we first met……but that was bound to be the way because of how he is….when something is new…..he is completely absorbed, then it becomes the norm and he is on to the next thing which absorbes him completely and neglects me…..which is the pattern……but to get to the loving bit now, we have to go through torment first because its the only way he is able to pay real heartfelt attention to me, when iv spoken to him directly, usually upset that he is neglecting me and then he focuses on me for a time and then hes gone again…..(I sound like a real needy person…which in some ways I guess I am…I want to be the centre of his world as he is mine……..I understand myself, to some degree and know what I need and not need but I want to deal with the reality of how things are, not a made up story…..)
….and finally, the PENNY dropped……..sadly, for me….and for him……
Last night I had a dream…..about my good friend whom iv written about before……and about myself..
I was at some kind of boot sale and was in a powered wheelchair but a green one……mooching around, with a couple, who they were I don’t know….
I was minding my own business looking at something on a stall when a man from behind the stall started speaking to me…..saying how beautiful and radiant I looked, my lips looked really lovely and blush and natural looking and my hair was beautiful too….. Then he asked if he could kiss my cheek as he really wanted too………it seemed ok to let him, so he leaned over and kissed my cheek and thanked me….. My reaction was to feel it was all perfectly ok and natural………I looked around and the people close by to him didn’t seem to think anything unusual was happening.
There had been several other glances my way by people, admiring glances….. but I didn’t think anything of it…….All was ok with me, just being out at a boot sale, so happy to be out (cos I don’t get out often) and I think that happiness radiated out….and it was a very dark and bleak place and the people seemed that way too….stressed, harried, dark and in their own heads…..but I was bright, happy and light……..
Later I was coming back through the crowd and my power chair got stuck and I had to walk a little way…..and I saw my good friend, curled up on these comfy armchairs that were lining the wall…..lots and lots of people milling around, so I went over to him and asked if he would help me to get my chair unstuck, but he just looked up at me with a blank expression and irritation……..then he just curled himself up even more and looked back at his book without saying anything……….I asked him again and he looked up again, but he wouldn’t stop reading and just completely ignored me and looked back at his book…………
…..then I woke up……it was a bitter sweet dream, I feel…..
I will reflect on this, it has real meaning I think…..
….this will be very difficult to write…..to open my heart….
My son has mental health problems……since his teens, dabbling in cannabis and other stuff no doubt….His brain was still developing, so the shrink said and caused…..malfunction for want of a better and more accurate description.
He became mentally challenged….(a kind way of putting it)….In all the ways you wouldn’t want a human to be, he became…..for their sake I mean….not only mine.
From the outgoing and carefree kid he was when growing up to be paranoid, not trusting anyone and withdrawing from the world….so so anxious….It was cruel and so heart breaking…
….several weeks ago he tried to take his life…..again….
I broke down…..I cannot comprehend losing my son…..I love him so…but I cannot make him want to live…..so, I had to withdraw…..All the advice I was given said I had too, but it was one of the hardest things iv had to do in my life………but for my own sanity and also because he needs to seek help from professionals, not only me…..(cos we are close, or were)…..and needs to learn to trust others, that when he needs the support he can ask for it and it will be there….I hope….because I am not strong enough now to be his main support, when things go wrong for him……..he needs others, as do I….as do we all….!
my last stand.... 