a meaningful dream…..

Last night I had a dream…..about my good friend whom iv written about before……and about myself..

I was at some kind of boot sale and was in a powered wheelchair but a green one……mooching around, with a couple, who they were I don’t know….

I was minding my own business looking at something on a stall when a man from behind the stall started speaking to me…..saying how beautiful and radiant I looked, my lips looked really lovely and blush and natural looking and my hair was beautiful too….. Then he asked if he could kiss my cheek as he really wanted too………it seemed ok to let him, so  he leaned over and kissed my cheek and thanked me….. My reaction was to feel it was all perfectly ok and natural………I looked around and the people close by to him didn’t seem to think anything unusual was happening.

There had been several other glances my way by people, admiring glances….. but I didn’t think anything of it…….All was ok with me, just being out at a boot sale, so happy to be out (cos I don’t get out often) and I think that happiness radiated out….and it was a very dark and bleak place and the people seemed that way too….stressed, harried, dark and in their own heads…..but I was bright, happy and light……..

Later I was coming back through the crowd and  my power chair got stuck and I had to walk a little way…..and I saw my good friend, curled up on these comfy armchairs that were lining the wall…..lots and lots of people milling around, so I went over to him and asked if he would help me to get my chair unstuck, but he just looked up at me with a blank expression and irritation……..then he just curled himself up even more and looked back at his book without  saying anything……….I asked him again and he looked up again, but he wouldn’t stop reading and just completely  ignored me and looked back at his book…………

…..then I woke up……it was a bitter sweet dream, I feel…..

I will reflect on this, it has real meaning I think…..

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….my child, my life….

….this will be very difficult to write…..to open my heart….

My son has mental health problems……since his teens, dabbling in cannabis and other stuff no doubt….His brain was still developing, so the shrink said and caused…..malfunction for want of a better and more accurate description.

He became mentally challenged….(a kind way of putting it)….In all the ways you wouldn’t want a human to be, he became…..for their sake I mean….not only mine.

From the outgoing and carefree kid he was when growing up to be paranoid, not trusting anyone and withdrawing from the world….so so anxious….It was cruel and so heart breaking…

….several weeks ago he tried to take his life…..again….

I broke down…..I cannot comprehend losing my son…..I love him so…but I cannot make him want to live…..so, I had to withdraw…..All the advice I was given said I had too, but it was one of the hardest things iv had to do in my life………but for my own sanity and also because he needs to seek help from professionals, not only me…..(cos we are close, or were)…..and needs to learn to trust others, that when he needs the support he can ask for it and it will be there….I hope….because I am not strong enough now to be his main support, when things go wrong for him……..he needs others, as do I….as do we all….!

 

 

…..compassion needed…..

So, here I am again,  exploring my soul and writing…..

I had an argument with my best friend yesterday, he doesn’t understand how he is…..that he is missing in action….he is just angry at me for saying what I say about how things have changed between us…..to his mind, nothing has changed….but in fact when I rang him last week to share my feelings on something….he got overwhelmed and blamed me…..and did so for several days….causing me to feel confused and wondering whats what….

I know my good friend really well….to begin with years ago we were in a relationship….I loved him deeply….we were good together and then he started working…..he became, distant, aloof, not talking atall…..moody and irritable….and of course this caused all sorts of problems….  We have come a long way since then…..we are no longer lovers….just friends….

Having battled over the years he now realises he is a loner and cannot commit to another human…..he has to be free……which at times has torn my heart out…..!!! But we have come through it all and are still good friends, but know there are ‘limits’ for us both, as now im not willing to have an intimate relationship with someone because it is too demanding in all manner of ways and yes I know, it has wonderful upsides too….but I am too sick to give all that a committed intimate relationships needs….

So, here we are…….limping along….dragging historical baggage along with us…..and I know that now he is working hard….he cannot give the care and attention to me/us that that he gives to growing his veg and the work and commitment and attention that needs…..and that is a fact….!

 

 

Here I go…..

…..Am starting this blog as a way of expressing myself through words……..

I have been ill with ME and Fibro for decades and life has become so tedious so I need to vent that and replace what I expel with good stuff….If that makes sense…..I do not want to just hold on the the negative so out I will pour it, on here…..and let it go……I hope….

I know im depressed….life has changed….my son has gone, my brother has gone and so has my best friend…..in different ways and for different reasons….nothing to do with me…there own stuff….My son became mentally unwell  and I couldn’t cope with it, my brother too became mentally ill and im unsure of where his mind is….he has grandious ideas and has been labelled as manic depressive…a new thing with him…..Last year he had major surgery and the professionals believe the trauma triggered something in his mind….he is 63 and has never had mental illness before…..so….and now my best friend has begun working, physically (his choice, he is retired) and cannot cope with any kind of attachment that includes emotions…..especially me as I am very emotional….so….I have no one close now….just professional support when I really need to access it but no one close to share with… so, what do I do, how do you replace people you love……

I am writing this blog………