I have recently discovered, again, that my lover, friend and partner in all things is on the Autistic spectrum…..
He and I have talked about this before but he dismissed it, but again it is there, staring me in the face…..it explains everything….how he is..
And so for me, I have to come to terms with this revelation….alone too as he will not take it on board……
All I want to do is understand, not to judge or blame, but understand…..if that makes sense.
The closer we became, the more he became the other ‘him’, the man who doesn’t appear to care for me……
He would leave me without his help or support or care and not show me love (im a poorly person) but absorb himself in his books, or working….anything really other than feelings….and the stress when he found something he couldn’t do, workwise or he couldn’t find. was completely excessive…..moody, frustrated, lashing out….(yes, it is frightening too)…becoming easily angered and stressed….but mostly absent in his own head and stressed, distressed and angry and taking it out on me, only in the sense that he expressed his frustration and anger at me…….and its hard being around all that stress,( particularly when I have my own problems and try very hard not to take my crap out on him by keeping myself ok)…..its everyone elses problem, fault etc etc…to him…. I couldn’t get close to him, he just wanted to rant about whatever had got him so stressed and couldn’t drop it, whatever I tried to say to help……he would stay completely focused on it until he found some resolve for himself… the longest period was 10 days over a video he couldn’t get to work……and all of this upset me greatly and I would try to talk to him to say how it was….but that just made things worse, for me anyway as then I was stuck in my feelings, overwhelmed, without him and not understanding and distressed and he would withdraw more…..
Then it came to me on Monday, again…..
Autism…..or rather Aspergers, because its a spectrum and he is a high functioning Aspie….apparently……
……..and so began my exploration into it all again and I did online tests for myself and then on behalf of him…..and low and behold….there he is….a very high score indeed……..
What I just thought were oddities in how he was, turn out to be autistic traits….. Its to do with how the brain is wired…….not something to be fixed, just worked with and understood…………He is that way because of his brain wiring, not because he lacks, care, empathy or love, its how he manages himself, his life, because of how is brain is wired…….hes adapted……. its how reality really is, to him…… He has learned to manage life, but close relationships have always been a mine field to him…..(he is 72) and I know he will never be any different to how he is now, no matter how much we talk about it and I try to get him to understand how his behaviour hurts me…and we have talked at length, believe me…….Its as it is….
He ‘can’ never accept that there is something amiss with him, that he is at all Autistic….that would make him ‘wrong’ in his mind…..so, what to do……I have no idea, im just writing it here to lessen the load in my mind.
People high on the spectrum just do not have the ability to think as neuro typicals do (the technical term, for so say normal folk)….and that sounds harsh I know, but this is all new to me and I am expressing my thoughts on here……..
Ive been involved with him for 5 years and its been so very very difficult….and I, a lot of the time believed all our problems to be me, but not so now…..but its not about blame, but understanding….that’s all ive ever wanted to do, to understand how he can be so uncaring and unloving one minute then when he gets how he is behaving, he is the most wonderful giving and loving man in the world……..which is who he was when we first met……but that was bound to be the way because of how he is….when something is new…..he is completely absorbed, then it becomes the norm and he is on to the next thing which absorbes him completely and neglects me…..which is the pattern……but to get to the loving bit now, we have to go through torment first because its the only way he is able to pay real heartfelt attention to me, when iv spoken to him directly, usually upset that he is neglecting me and then he focuses on me for a time and then hes gone again…..(I sound like a real needy person…which in some ways I guess I am…I want to be the centre of his world as he is mine……..I understand myself, to some degree and know what I need and not need but I want to deal with the reality of how things are, not a made up story…..)
….and finally, the PENNY dropped……..sadly, for me….and for him……